Tuesday, September 6, 2011

guilt and shame....

I am really the single most self centered and cry babyish person I know.

 seriously.

Today's story begins like this:

I snuggled up early Sunday morning with a few cakes in the oven and a cup of coffee in my hand, ready to enjoy my day. That was the plan... supreme relaxation I felt I DESERVED for my Labor Day weekend {because you know; my freaking life of playing with babies and managing the bills and arguing with the chef is so damn hard.} whatever.
 All was going as planned and from my many facebook updates it would seem as though all was well, and for the most part it was... I made pie filling and frosting while dancing along to Beauty School Dropout{Grease was playing on cable...} I was getting only slightly annoyed at the idea that "Sandy" would change everything about herself for freakin "Danny Zuko" who lets be honest, is probably just gonna get her knocked up after highschool, and run off to join a band leaving her alone with 2 babies and rent due...
  It was there that I should have known something had changed in my day...  was it hormones? maybe. Stress... probably. The wind can blow wrong and my mood shifts to something ugly these days so who knows what made the switch inside me all I know is that it was there all of a sudden and I grabbed onto it with both hands.
  The rest of the story is really short, the cake was  out to get me. The icing was crap... serious crap {Thank you VERY much Better Homes and Gardens!} The cake cracked... and shortly after so did I as I found my self screaming with fists full of chocolate and cussing like a drunk sailor as I slung {is that a real word? I think so...} an entire cake... frosting, filling and all around my kitchen.
  I still have no idea why I did it, other than that dessert was gonna get it and I needed to be the one giving it.
  As I sat covered in frosting and sweet cherry filling and bits of fudgie cake I began to cry... not a "well poop I'm a nitwit all this work for nothing and now to top it all off I have an INSANE mess to clean up... " kind of cry...{have you ever seen what a double layer 8 inch round cake that serves 12 will do to a kitchen when it gets brutally murdered? Its a mess.} it was more of a release... this crazy persons way of "getting out" all the crap that has been building up in my head.
  And here is where the guilt and shame part sets in... I have NO REASON to feel overwhelmed or irritated about my life. I have a home... no matter how old and falling apart it is its mine. I have a husband, no matter how irritated we are at each other right now we have someone to hold at night and through all the crap life throws at us we are still a team. I have food in my belly, hell I have so much food I can throw it and still have more. I have a job; one that I am in control of not someone sweatshop puppet.

I have healthy kids. I'm not dealing with chemo and uncertainty
I feel nothing this morning but shame as I read though the struggles and small victories this family has gone through... I threw a cake around my kitchen because my bills are out of control and I was irritated by God only knows.

Cancer Sucks. and that is all.

Be good to each other,



6 comments:

Bobbie said...

Thank you for the wake up call...you are so right. We have those moments of "why are we so upset and really for what"? We have so much to be thankful for!!! My babies are feed, my house is standing and we are healthy today. And as far as your first line...silly you..I don't think so!! Have a great week. If you talk to Aubrey, tell her hello from me. Love to all, Bobbie

You can call me Tawny.... said...

BOBBIE!!!!!!

Oh how I have missed you... you have no clue! Seriously silly me, Im tearing up right now! I pop over into your blog world every now and again just to sit in your special magic... it makes me feel better! I will tell Aubs you said hi! she is up to her usual antics... just in a bit more of a grown up fashion! ;) ♥ back! Tawny

Susan said...

Well....Tawny,
I came here for the gypsy party...PLEASE DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. it is only a blog.

I felt compelled to read your post. I can say this. FATE.
Fate must have made me read your post. Because OUT OF THE BLUE this am (Saturday9/10) I woke up with the song..."You're the one that I want" in my head. I laid there thinking how silly, why is that song in my head, then that got me thinking more...first---THE SAME THING you were thinking. This PERFECTLY fine young Lady, had changed herself for a selfish and shallow boy. AND WHAT IS WORSE, is we ALL bought into it, and are like YEA!!! when we all should be like NO, do not change! Then the Billy Joel song "I love you just the way you are" came wafting into my brain. As I was getting my meds for the morning together, I was thinking about my love life; OVER the YEARS... not particularly right now, as the hubs and I are together for Over 27 years, and we probably shouldn't have been.(I'll come back to that)

I thought about my NUMEROUS first little crushes and "boyfriends" (I'm 51, so i do not know if you guys did the same things that we did in the 70's) you know the- I'm "going out with" so & so, and going out at that age (14-16) was really like, you hold hands when you can, make out between classes and a group trip to the movies or whatever, and most of these little relationships last for less than a month. Then you get HIT in the face with "True love" at around 16, and you think this is HIM, I want to be with him! (even if he doesn't even notice you) You try every girly trick to get him to just smile and say hello. Sometimes he does, and that is all, and sometimes he does and it leads to something, something better than those "other boyfriends" sometimes this relationship stays for a long time, some times only a few months, and sometimes a rare occasion when the first-time becomes HS sweethearts and 20 years later they are still together (though we only know what they want us to know...come back to my blog in a few days I am going to repost this and MORE)
Anyway, along this little journey, something USUALLY happens, one of us, gently prods and pushes the other to be a bit different, sometimes a lot different. I think back on the relationship with my first husband. I changed him a bit, I think it was part me, and part him. They weren't huge changes. He was a little "nerdy" back then, he wore really old fashioned clothes like his dad, his hair was greasy (as I do not think he washed it enough) stuff like that. I think he changed it himself BECAUSE of me, I was kind of hip, and well regarded in a certain circle that the past summer had collided with his circle. (I actually was trying to get with his next door neighbor, who ended up with my friend...you know how that goes)...continued

Susan said...

continued...

anyhoo...they were surface changes (in my post that you have now moved me to write probably on Monday later in the day)

I also thought about this husband, the one I matured enough to say, I am not going to fight over everything, and also this man LITERALLY swept me off my feet, I HAD it bad, and felt like that NO other time in my life. he made some changes in the beginning, again for me...I was younger, 19 years younger. But when I look back, I believe the person that did the MOST changing over all, was me.
It was sneaky and slow and draining. he is NOT who he was, and neither am I...but I'll cover all the hows and whys etc in the post.
continued...

Susan said...

YOU my dear had an AHA moment, the same one I had, only I woke up to it.

Something in your life is either changing, and it is not a change you want, or like, and your subconscious is telling you FIX THIS NOW. Or you NEED to make a change, or FATE has made a change you did not plan on, and you need to conform your life to it, which is not always fair, or nice, or what we want or planned. It simply is. It id the "you must roll-with-the-punches" thing. I have had MANY , many FATEful times in my life, which have caused both minor and extremely major changes.

You are ALLOWED to freak out once in a while, and no, we do NOT all have to be gallant all of the time, and think, I have no right to be upset...I have food etc. BULLSHIT! Everyone, EVERYONE has the right to get upset. now if you had murdered a human being in stead of the cake, that might make things a bit different, but at the end of the day, it was just a cake, and you ended up with your own "punishment" for your temper tantrum of cleaning it up. (I'll be touching on this about others in my post also)

I also am not on chemo or have cancer, but i almost lost my hand, and virtually it could have lead to my life also. I now have many physical injuries and maladies etc that I am completely disabled. my poor hubby still has to work F/T at the age of 70 with his own health issues, and this is causing big issues within the marriage, but it is not my fault, that I got injured etc.
My house is also falling apart, and we are under some weird water curse and have been for most of the 26 years we've been in this house. There is mold also, and I DEFINITELY should not be in a house with a mold issue. (Asthma, sinus issues, allergies)
OUR children, his--a reformed meth addict and on the other side of the country, would never come help, he has told us as much. MINE---blames everything that is bad or was bad in her life on me and her dad, but mostly me, and because of that we are estranged (she is now off at grad school, and I am very proud of her and love and miss her--but she needs to grow up, seriously) and our son-25 is back home again -totally useless, and only does something if there is something in it for him, when he left the last time, my husband said he wouldn't be allowed back over his dead body! but yet here he is...on the pretense that he is going to help fix this house. HA! you have no idea. the 24 yo daughter, is a manager of her own Journey's shoe store, and has just moved in with a BF (a little soon for my taste, but he is very nice and has a decent job) so she can't move home and help (lease, commute etc) This house is their only inheritance. it is a HUGE house-14 rooms, on 5 acres. In PRISTINE condition worth probably 500K, in needs just a little work condition 400K. We can NOT sell it for less than 300K, but at the moment it is not in even sellable condition.
so I should also be throwing cake. instead, I have become depressed and anxious. i hide under the covers and don't sleep...just hide (and yes i am on medication for both of these things, I should be in weekly therapy sessions, but I can not afford them.
I also cry. I also YELL about everything. another issue between US. the doc says it is the depression and anxiety that makes me do this, it is out of sheer frustration. You have no idea.

So YES, take time once in a while to be grateful for what you have. BUT do NOT ever think that because there are others worse off than you, that means you do not have the right to freak out once in a while. If you didn't...you'd go nuts!
sending positive, calming energy your way :)
be well and be blessed,
Susan

Aimee Jeffries said...

Oh goodness can I relate! I saved this post to come back later and comment, because I went through the same thing around the same time. I'll be darned if I can remember why LOL Maybe it was the moon or something in the air hmmm :)